redacted, with love.
dense graphs sparse posts
[1/5 - another writing challenge]
I do not exactly know how this happened, but this city has exhausted my ability to write.1 Worst of all, I did end up extending my flight all the way to march 10th, and I can’t just leave the people without celeste-land!2
Therefore: 5 day writing challenge.
The bay has given me a lovely little dense social graphs3, with all its (dis)advantages.
I can no longer just post about random adventures, change some names and rest easy. Now, people are friends and exes and friends of exes and one time this one person tried to [REDACTED] themselves and now they don’t talk to this person and therefore they don’t get invited to these parties and bla bla bla4
This, paired with people’s preposterous preference for privacy5 has made me be weary about my default policy of neurondumping.
Just know that my lack of posting has not been due to lack of adventure, far from it.
So eh, fuck it, in no particular order: some noteworthy things from the last couple weeks with spice excluded because self-censoring.
Got taught how to wrestle by a truly one-of-a-kind trans woman. She saw me “on the computer“ and I offhandedly mentioned I was broke so she just decided to send me what was in her paypal balance at the time. It was 300$.
Had a DMT “breakthrough“. It’s as indescribably incredible as they say. I feel like reddit discussions about psychedelics changing your life forever are super overstated, having tried a bunch of them, none ever changed me explicitly, except maybe putting me in a good mood for a week.
In the moment it did really feel like something incredble and irreversable happened that would surely change me forever. “felt like“ is kind of a massive understatement, in that very moment I had a qualia identical to knowing, I knew that I had been exposed to the horrible truth of the universe. It’s a scary feeling to experience “knowing” with 0 epistemic backbone. Seems dangerous!
I saw the seam at the center of things, everything. I was no longer Celeste, but a mere observer in dmt entity land.
3 minutes in I asked, entirely convinced: “Is this forever now?“
It was pretty fucking cool, the internet says it’s impossible to get addicted to DMT but I feel like I am just insane enough to pull it off. I’ve wanted nothing more but to go again and again.
Every time I do it I seem to be filled with this inexplicable intense love and gratitude towards the universe, I have never managed without crying.
Also, once I did it on the streets at 3 am crouching and I felt like a true SF hobo and it was fucking awesome.
Even now a couple days later I am quite confident that this has not caused long lasting changes or anything, but fun!
Have met a lot of “important“, incredibly smart, high status people. Interestingly enough, they also all seem to believe in me. They really seem to not be so different to me at all, which has enlightened me to the possibility that I can also just go and do the things they do if I set my mind to it.
I feel like I used to be more neurotic at getting a prestigious job. Have since shifted to modelling humanity as a big organism, where I do what’s best for the organism.
If I get rejected from Neel stream I will smile, because I will know the world is in good hands.
I hit the 50mg/ml nicotine salt superstimulus illegal-in-europe vape and it was unironically almost as intense as DMT.
misc stuff:
this is partiful city. parties are organized online and people send you links. this is extremely autistic and lovely
lighthaven is very beautiful
This entire city seems to read celeste land. I met atleast 15 fans of the blog at EAG.
soylent is pretty fucking great
I am not grateful enough for euro public transport.
That being said: waymos are endgame transportation.
I love the people here so so much, this city makes me very happy and I will move here, no matter what.
My best theory is that I am finally in a place that makes me happy, and that it’s just harder to find time to sit down and write when there is so much cool stuff to do.
I couldn’t bear not to. March 10th!!! If you are in this city and have not come say hi, come say hi!!!
I love love love everyone I’ve met here basically
see even this I have to censor!!!
this boggles the celeste
The blog ending because you finally found your place and your people would not be so bad :)
glad you’re having fun, i hope you enjoy your extended stay! it was very fun hanging out with you in SF last week